Is anything actually resolved in the New Year?
The answer of course is no. I am in the process of making promises to myself, but equally evading the myriad questions the past year has presented.
Hmm... I'll start by describing Christmas developments, or lack of. Having already found the really quite nice diamond ring (large rock, solitaire, princess cut), it was no surprise when it was presented on bended knee on Christmas Eve. My answer was pre-worded in my head and I recited it like a script. The main gist of it was "I'm still deciding what I want to do with my life and don't feel ready to commit to anyone or anything in that way." As I spoke, I thought how awful I am and how great he is. Like a rock: he's committed; faithful; solid; reliable and deserves somebody better than me. If it were the other way round and he was treating me this way, then he'd be criticised for having feet of clay, and judged in the kangaroo court of relationship rhetoric as a misogynist. He's not though, he's decent, respectful and perfect husband material.
To compound this, whilst I spoke, I was being treated to a drunken flashback of two nights previous, when I had, incredibly inebriated, declared my adoration to my flatmate. It didn't go well, as drunken declarations rarely do.
His response was, "I can't lie and say I've never thought about it; I have, but your bf is a good guy, and if I say anything it becomes something else. It'd be spoken and real, not abstract anymore: we'd have to do something about it. It'd be tough."
He then went into his room and played the guitar loudly and angrily. The nice evening we'd spent watching 'The Beat That My Heart Skipped' was tainted, marked by my outburst and confirmed by his philosophy student response. I haven't seen him since, and it's not a large house.
We went to our respective parents for Christmas day, the doctor started work again on the 27th and I returned to bring in the New Year, with Champagne and hypocrisy cocktails.
Maybe in 2007 I'll just be more resolute full stop, rather than being so concrete as making actual resolutions. I'll form an abstract for the year and hopefully develop it as I go along...
posted by Kissing just for practice @ 6:26 AM
1 Comments:
Been there. I spent a decade thinking how my Ex would be perfect husband material (while secretly thinking "just not for me".)
For the last two years of that I was in love with someone else, who (most inconsiderately) married his long-term partner in that time.
Inevitably, I ended up having an affair and left the Ex for my lover. The same week, "someone else"'s wife told him she wanted a divorce. By that time I thought things would work out with my lover and wanted to give it a go, but all the old feelings flooded back the more time I spent with "someone else".
7 months later, I'm just about to move in with "someone else" and am deliriously happy.
Two reasons for commenting - 1) reassurance. Fear not, it'll work out with your flatmate if it's meant to be. We survived him marrying someone else and me living abroad for 9 months! 2) - A plea. Don't waste as much of your 20s with the wrong man as I did.
Best of luck, it ain't an easy situation to be in.
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